she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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