There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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