alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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