i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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