i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
