I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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