guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
