sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
