the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
