I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
