Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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