the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
