I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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