i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My dick has a subreddit
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
