if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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