Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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