shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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