you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
