some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
