I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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