When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
