I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
