I bet he comes in French.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
