i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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