I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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