Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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