The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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