Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
