Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
