having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
