am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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