I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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