Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
