I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
