I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
