Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
