I cannot find my penis.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
