His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
