i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
