Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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