it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
