I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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