wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
