I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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