White coat. Heels.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
