fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize