I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
