I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
