I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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