You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
