see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
