I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
