I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
