remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
