I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
