Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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