I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
