Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
