A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
