Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
