she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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