So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
