hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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