I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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